The Bravo Award - Maza and Richard's Role Reversal

In early November 2008, Richard White’s manager told him not to worry. Despite the fact that the global financial meltdown had begun, Richard’s contract would be safe. Then a week later the manager called him back and said, “You’ve got two weeks from today.” Richard’s last day of work was 28 November.

An IT professional by training, Richard was used to being highly marketable, so he didn’t mind being off while his folks visited him from the UK in December, or while the summer holidays were happening. But at the end of January, the reality began to sink in: no work, and – Richard was soon to find – no prospects either, as the deepening recession meant that employers were generally firing, not hiring.

Richard’s wife Maza had given birth to Tyler in May, 2008, so by October she felt keenly the accumulated exhaustion of caring for a newborn and trying to work part-time. A successful make-up artist, Maza told her agent that she wouldn’t be accepting any jobs for the foreseeable future.

In November, Maza placed another call, this time asking for all the work the agent could muster. Richard and Maza’s recession-inspired role reversal had now begun.

At this writing in May, 2009, they have been coping with their changed circumstance for half a year. And although finances continue to be a major theme in their daily lives, both were quick to point out all the other spheres of life where the learning curve has been equally steep.

For Richard, coming into the role of primary caregiver has been partly about learning what to do. “I didn’t realise how much responsibility I didn’t have before. I thought it would be a lot easier. For example, I had no idea what went into Tyler’s bag [to go out], and I needed lists.”

All three of us laughed when Richard confessed to using the modern IT dad’s way of finding out what a nearly-one-year-old should be doing. “I just googled it,” he said.

For Maza, the challenges are those that have dogged breadwinning women everywhere: “Balance!” she said, “and guilt. I have to go to the office to work on a PR project. I won’t be paid for it, but I need to go if I want to build up my business. I’m plagued by self-doubt: am I really motivated by trying to grow my business, or am I just looking to escape the drudgery of being at home? I pay the agency money to find me contracts. If don’t do the networking, I won’t get the contracts, but I have guilt around the fact that I enjoy working even though I have this beautiful baby at home who needs me.”

And then there is the stress of actually bringing home the bacon. Although Maza’s business is growing well, “don’t forget,” she said, “I’m trying to work full-time, but I’m freelance. I’ve just spent the last three weeks and not met the ‘quota’ that we worked out I need to make in order for us not to go into debt.”

Beyond supplying the family’s material needs, there are challenges for both Richard and Maza around meeting personal and social needs. Maza recalled, “I now know how Richard used to feel when he came home and I said, ‘Here, take your baby. I’ve had enough. I need some space.’” And, of course, socialising is a very different affair on a straitened budget with an early-waking baby.

Richard reminisced. “We used to go to the pub and have a few drinks, then come home really late. We’d sleep in and be ok the next day. We don’t do that anymore. It’s not worth it when we have to get up with Tyler. Besides, it’s an uncertain time, because we don’t know when I’m going to get a job, or when Maza will have work.

Before, I would have bought a round at the pub – or several – and we wouldn’t have thought anything of a $100 tab.” Maza added, “I know Richard still needs to go out and have time with his friends and drink, but we just can’t afford it. It’s pressure all the way around.”

Being home during the day, however, Richard is aware of the importance of social contact. While it’s not a pub crawl, he has a friend with a similarly-aged child who is also a stay-at-home dad. They get together regularly, kids in tow.

So how have they coped with this sudden forced role reversal and all the constraints? What resilience strategies have they employed?

Richard was quick to recognise that, even though his daily life was now not structured as “normal work,” he still needed work goals. “I’d be pulling my hair out if I didn’t go for something,” he said. “Having a goal is really important.” So he has been borrowing software and using his small amounts of spare time each day to re-educate himself: the re-tooling that will be indispensable to his successful re-entry into IT work when a position becomes available.

Both Richard and Maza point to their enhanced skills of compromise, negotiation, and empathy as a result of simultaneous needs for a break. Richard acknowledged that “that’s when we’ve had an issue: when we have both needed space at the same time. We’ve increased our ability to tune into our own needs, talk about them and negotiate to get them met. Though it’s been a bit of a learning curve, we have much more empathy for one another than we did before, and I now think we get that right most of the time.”

Bravo, I say! Those are big resilience tools. And there are more. Some of the people profiled in Back from the Edge were very clear that it was important to plan for adversity when times were good. Richard affirmed this coping strategy when he said, “We planned for this tough period. I feel very gratified that all that hard work [of saving] is paying off now. I feel privileged that I can be home with Tyler thanks to all the hard work we put in before.”

For her part, Maza keeps a sense of perspective. “I don’t worry about the small stuff anymore. This morning we nearly had an argument over a key, but I’ve realised I don’t have space for stuff like that. I can’t be f___ed! Can you put that on your website? I know that most couples have petty arguments, but I would say that 7-8 times out of 10, I can disidentify [back off and let go].”

Both Richard and Maza have tapped into a serious tough-times tool: creating a purpose larger than themselves – Tyler, in their case. “He’s one of my main resiliences,” said Richard. Maza added, “Tyler is a driving force in my life. I push myself so hard because I just want to give him a good life.”

And, always, they stay positive. With few jobs available to even apply to, Richard noted, “This work thing has had me discouraged a few times. I’ve had to rein myself in. But I’ve used this time to look at different opportunities. It’s a great time to ask, ‘What do I want to do when I grow up?’” Maza, too, understands that failure is not an option. “I’m really visualising success, which I never did before. I think you have no choice to dwell on the negative.”

Paradoxically, this time of change and uncertainty has brought out the resilience skills of gratitude and seeing the silver lining. Richard remembered his sadness at going off to work and not seeing Tyler much. “Now, I’m no longer feeling left out. I’ve really bonded with him.” For Maza, the sense of gratitude is around realising that, thanks to Richard’s support in past challenging times, “I feel strong enough now to face full-time work. It’s been both his financial and moral support which has gotten me to where I am now.”

Admittedly, they may not be through the worst of it yet. If a job doesn’t come through for Richard and/or if Maza’s business has too much quiet time, their economic outlook could worsen, which would make maintaining health, relationship, and lifestyle harder. But there is the strong sense that no matter how bad it gets, Richard still won’t beat up on Maza – or Tyler. Maza won’t go out shoplifting or vandalising. They won’t go into psychosis, or even deep depression. They are managing to live with relative contentment. They are, in short, resilient.

I asked them whether they had any advice for the millions around the globe who are facing – or who will face – a similar adversity. Richard said, “Communication! It’s important to listen and really understand what’s happening for the other person. I’m logical, but Maza has helped me to understand my feelings, and to tune in.” Maza laughed. “I wanted to say, ‘All you need is love.’ Actually, it’s more than that. But if people can ride the wave of emotion that is inherent in the situation, they’ll come out ok. When this is over, we’ll both be better off for it.”

Richard had said at the beginning of our talk that a sense of humour is important. I guess he included in that the ability to laugh at himself. After years of being free-spending, all-night partygoers, Richard and Maza couldn’t help but smile at their new weekend look: a house-husband at home with the working wife, gobbling their popcorn in front of the telly. (Maza’s website welcomes visitors. Go to: www.mazawhite.com)

Richard and Maza have a wide range of resilience skills to call on when they need them. The ones I included in the article above are:

• Create/maintain social support networks
• Have a goal Learn to negotiate and compromise
• Extend empathy and compassion
• Plan ahead for adversity
• Don’t sweat the small stuff
• Learn to dis-identify
• Get a life purpose larger than yourself
• Remain optimistic; do positive self-talk
• Use a mind power skill: visualisation
• Practice gratitude
• Do silver-lining thinking

Which of these are you comfortable using?